Isaiah 6:8, "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send?  Who will go for us?' and I answered, 'Here am I.  Send me.'" 

I was reminded today of the great commission in Matthew 28:19-20.  "Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.  And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
I realized anew that the term "missionaries" really is so meaningless.  It is absolutely non-unique.  Each believer is called to be a missionary.  The US is in no less need of witnessing than China, Africa, Europe, South America, Canada, or any other country.  We are all called to witness--no exceptions made. 
Matthew 5:13-16 reads “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.  You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." 

What do we think gives us the right to sit on our bums and not do anything?  Laziness is not and never has been an option.

God has not given us a difficult task to complete!  The call to witness is not a call to be an amazing, good, wonderful, perfect, Godly person.  We tend to think of "missionaries" or pastors or church-workers to be amazingly perfect and pure people instead of sinners, just like us.  The task of being a "good Christian" is daunting.  In fact, it is quite impossible.  I'm reminded of a radio show in which one person tried to prove she was basically good by following a stringet set of guidelines--much like the Ancient Jews.  Needless to say, she failed at her task. 
We get to this point in our understanding of Christianity and we want to give up.  Or we get stuck here.  How am I supposed to become a "good" person? How am I supposed to become good enough for God?  How am I supposed to change? We try so hard that we miss God's revolutionary truth.
It's not our job.
We can't change ourselves, try as we might.
That's His job. 
And the more we try to do it on our own, the more we mess up and do things wrong.  The book of Psalms emphasizes the necessity of waiting on the Lord.  The metaphor of the "army of the Lord" gives two clear analogies of why we wait on Him.  An army cannot move forward without directions--likewise, we cannot move forward without God's direction in our lives.  An army cannot move forward without provision--likewise, we cannot progress spiritually without daily nourishment from God. 

What, then, does God call us to do???  If we can't improve ourselves, what are we supposed to do in the meantime?  God's answer is pretty simple.  Wait.  Rest.
Jesus said that God's yoke is easy and his burden is light.  The only thing that gets in the way of our easy load is our desire to do things on our own. 

I love the story of Isaiah.  He wasn't seeking fame, glory, riches, or even an envious relationship with God.  He was simply doing what God told him to do.  In return, God used him greatly.  Isaiah only had one request.  "Here I am.  Send me."
That's all it takes. 

http://youtube.com/watch?v=PlZOC3fdeus&feature=related
耶和华我的主啊 !
求你使我放下心中 心中所爱
耶和华我的主啊 !
求你使我打碎心中 心中偶像
直到我在敬拜中献上自己为祭
无怨 无悔 永不回头 永不回头
直到我在祭坛那里得着命定
无怨 , 无悔 我在这里 我在这里
Hi-Ne-Ni Hi-Ne-Ni
烧我 , 差我 , 我在这里
Hi-Ne-Ni Hi-Ne-Ni
烧我 , 差我 Hi-Ne-Ni
为这世界黑暗的角落
为那不曾被安慰的灵魂
我在这里 Hi-Ne-Ni
我在这里 Hi-Ne-Ni
Hi-Ne-Ni

* Hi-Ne-Ni” is Hebrew for “Behold! Here I am”

Wow.  It's been a whole year since I've been on xanga.

Reading through my old posts, I'm absolutely struck by the formality and creativeness of my writing.  I wonder what happened to the quality of my writing over the past year.  I wonder why I've resorted to writing pointless barrages of notes that prey on the minds of all around me.  Hopefully, resolving now to exert more energy into creative writing will help me over this next year.

I came back this summer for three reasons: to graduate, to take the SAT, and to pass my driving test.  I'm so thanful that I was able to accomplish all of those already!  I'll be able to relax more over the next two weeks.

Graduation:

Since we moved to Beijing, I'd somewhat given up hope of having a graduation ceremony.  When I was little, I didn't think about it too much.  Around 9th grade, I started to look forward to it.  In 11th grade, I decided I would never have one.  I wanted to graduate with CFS Poway if I did graduate.  Since the chances of that happening looked slim, I stopped thinking about it.  What a miracle, then, to discover that CFS' graduation ceremony would take place after I got back!  It didn't help me to appreciate the importance of the event any more, but it did help me to start anticipating it again.
I had been talking to one of my mom's friends in San Fransisco about graduation while we were up there two weeks ago.  I had remarked that it seemed people made a bigger deal about graduation than it deserved.  After all, what does it really mark?  We spend another four years in school before we truly begin our adult lives.  I couldn't comprehend the importance of graduation.  My mom's friend, Uncle Alan, replied that it was a nice, memorable time.  I still couldn't understand so I left it at that.
It wasn't until the ceremony started that I began to appreciate the experience.  As I sat on the stage, I realized that I was surrounded by my closest friends.  I have close friends in China, but my closest friends are still here.  CFS Poway... The room was full of people whom I'd known since 3rd or 4th grade--people who I'd known most of my life and the people I'd grown up with.  It meant so much to me that they were there.  Afterwards, when my mom's friends from way back when began to reminisce, it was comforting to know that they'd been part of my life from childhood up to the brink of adulthood.  I felt, for the first time in many years, that I really belonged.  It was amazing.

SAT:

You'd think that, if there were anything I couldn't find anything interesting to write about, it'd be the SAT.  However, I actually did find some things about the SAT that I wanted to write about.  I suppose this should all go in my journal... but I was reminded a few days ago that the only reason I was allowed to start a Xanga and a Facebook was because I promised to try and edify others.  So here goes!
These past two years have, academically, been pretty much one of the worst in my life.  I have to honestly say that.  Maybe the lack of intense peer competition contributed to that.  I can't say for certain.  I do know that my SAT score dropped four hundred points within the first year.  My parents were, understandably, not very happy with that score! 
This past year has not been easy for me.  It's been a huge struggle.  I suppose that, like many other people, I'm good at pretending that I'm doing well spiritually.  Many times, I fake it so well that I fool even myself.  However, hindsight is perfect, and my hindsight tells me what I could not see at the time.  I was struggling with faith, insecurities, and a general apathy.  It greatly affected my schoolwork and my researching/studying abilities.  While I can't point to one specific cure or turning point, I do know that facing those problems and removing distractions from my life has served me a great deal in my quest for a better self. 
I amazed myself by pulling up my practice SAT scores up about three or four hundred points in the period of a week or two.  We'll see how I did on the actual test in a few weeks =\

The other interesting thing is neither deep nor profound.  I always expected that older women (seniors) must be ladies because they've had so much life experience.  Now, there have been times when I've seen middle-aged women who weren't ladies, and I've grown to accept that.  However, I assumed that by the time one turns 60 or so, one would have good manners at the very least down to perfection. 
One of our facilitators at the testing center was an old woman who must have been in her mid-fifties or sixties.  I know many ladies that age who don't look old.  This woman was dressed in the latest fashions (which look alright but not flattering on the average 20-30 year old... much less so on a 50-60 year old...) and constantly stuck her tongue out.  I was so fascinated by her tongue, I missed a few questions on one of the math sections.  It looked so interesting, unlady-like, and gross...

Alrighty, enough about that.  Last thing on my list...

The Driving Test:

I wasn't sure whether to be nervous or not for the test.  I'd been told that I would probably pass, but I'd also heard that it's difficult to pass the first time.  So the left side of my stomach was calm and at ease, while the right side had twice its share of knots and butterflies.  I had checked and re-checked and re-checked all of my papers several times (about ten..) before we left for the DMV, so I was sure I had everything I needed.  When I got to Window 5, lo and behold, I did forget something--the car registration.  Aside from having to go back, find that, and wait in line for another 15 minutes, I think the process of getting checked in for my test went rather smoothly. The test itself was unlike anything I'd expected from what I'd been told.
First, I forgot where my hazard lights were, then the defroster.  Not big mistakes, but, since they were at the start of the test, those mistakes increased my nervousness and the butterflies spread from the right side of my stomach to the left side.  (The knots stayed where they were.) 
I won't bore you with the details of the test because most of you have taken the test, will be taking the test, and generally don't care.  I know I wouldn't.  Long story short, I passed.
And I re-discovered that the DMV people are very easily distracted by shiny objects, are very unhelpful, and are to be avoided as much as possible.  Was I supposed to get my picture taken again?  Because they didn't. And the lady wouldn't respond when I asked.

Just like last year, I find that driving teaches me so many lessons about humility, patience, pride, respectfulness, and directions.  So often, when my mom or dad are trying to give me directions, I just respond, "Yeah, yeah, yeah I know already!"  I realize that it isn't the most humble attitude to have.  However, it seems to be my natural response.  As I have become un-familiarized with the roads here, I'm sure I'd get lost very easily without their guidance.  Why, then, do I respond with anger and hastiness each time they give me badly needed directions? 
I find I often do the same to God.  My Father tells me to turn right at a certain fork in the road and, immediately, I become grouchy and unbearable.  I tell Him that I knew already and I was going to, when I was obviously veering to the left. 
And each time I do that, I know that I must stop, breathe, get on my knees and ask for forgiveness for my pride.  Then bend and break and submit to His will as He leads me down the pathway of life.

I won't go into patience, because I have too many stories about other drivers who annoyed me so much I could barely concentrate on driving.  That would apply to respectfulness too.  For directions, I've learned to listen to directions.  Also, since we use a GPS to go just about everywhere, I've learned to look for the directions ahead of time.  Before I leave the house, I set the GPS to take me where I want to go and I review the list of directions.  I prepare.  So often, I find that that's a step I miss in life--preparation.  I suppose that's mainly a result of my personality.  Priscilla does things very thoroughly and forms a solid base of preparation before she begins a project.  I rush into things headlong.  At times, I must admit, that trait has served me well.  Once I begin a task, I throw my whole self into it.  However, at many times, I suppose that this quality has made me risk my life unnecessarily and harmed me. 

I don't like to prepare.  Before cooking, I have to prepare the cast-iron pan with a coat of oil.  As a result, I usually cook soups or toastable foods that don't require the use of a cast-iron pan.  In order to do well on my tests, I must prepare and study.  Instead, I stay up the night before, cramming as much as I can before my parents force me to sleep.  If I have an essay due on Saturday, I will begin research on Monday and start writing the essay on Thursday or Friday.  The point is, preparation is not something that I enjoy or do voluntarily.  However, when it comes to life, sometimes I can't do what I need to do without preparation.  I can't rush headlong into a career--no one would hire me.  It's a lesson that I've been learning since the day I began crawling down stairs head-first.  I think it's one that I'll be learning till the day I die.

And I will leave you with that!
(What a long note....)
~Katrina